Home > Rants > The Douchebag Chronicles

The Douchebag Chronicles

This restaurant smells expensive. I can’t believe I’m giving up my day at the gym for this. These abs aren’t going to rip themselves. Hopefully this date will be worth my time away from the BowFlex… which remind me, I have to change the playlist on my iPod from Dave Matthews to The Dave Matthews Band, I like them too. Why can’t my collar pop any higher? The tip of my collar is barely covering my eyes. You would figure that the kind people over at Hollister would allow their indigenous workers from outside the country tighten up the area around my bicep a little more. It’s really not showing enough ‘cep bro.

I hope I put on enough Axe this morning, I didn’t have time to shower in the middle of my shirtless football session I had with the boys. I don’t get why Scott was telling me not to play in my Wranglers, it’s the only way to play football these days; the fuck does he know? It lets people know that you’re a rugged individual equal to none other than Brett Favre. Who doesn’t want that? Chicks dig football players. Why isn’t she hear yet? She’s probably doing period stuff. I better send her a text and make sure she didn’t bleed to death, its only courteous.

“r u here yet?”
“I thought we were meeting in the parking lot?”

“i’m waiting 4 u @ teh bar.”
“Ok……………………. I’ll be in.”

“h0pe ur ready 2 get waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasted :D”

What kind of self-respecting independent woman just doesn’t show up immediately at the bar? What was she thinking? I’m ready to get HAMMERED. Oh God… she’s coming. Not bad looking at all. I mean she could’ve dropped a couple more pounds by doing that eating disorder fad thats so popular these days, but thats not too bad if she has some daddy issues. Good for her, she’s trying.

I’d much rather want a hot chick that didn’t use to be hot, but DOESN’T KNOW that she’s hot. It makes the approach much easier; lower barrier of entry. Fish in a barrel they call it? I mean it’s looking good so far, her shifty eyes are probably scoping out the place for all the other gals staring at me. Hope she’s not jealous and realizes how lucky she is once she sets her eyes on my….. OH SHIT TEXT MESSAGE!!!

“yo dude where r u? ur suppose to B at the gym helping me with my power squats”
“i wish i could bro. but im on a date right now im so close to boning this hoe”

“no dude thats gay, u’re suppose to be here with me counting my power squats!!!”
“screw that im swimming through the cooter canal tonight bro. sry”

“cmon dude don’t be gay. count my squats.”

“wtf is her name?”
“uh…. dunno/care yet… hold on…”

Great way to introduce yourself, bring your fucked up teeth along. Fuckin’ loud as hell too. I hope Mrs. Megaphone here gets a little more tolerable once I get some drinks in me. It’ll help with with her Michael Strahan chompers too. Oh shit… she’s talking about her professional life. The only reason why I would give a shit about her corner office is because we would’ve fucked in it. A copier…. yeah… a copier would be the ideal play ground. Like on top of it and shit while its scanning and shooting paper out the ass. That thing would run out of ink in no time. Shit she’s noticed that I haven’t been paying attention to her. I have to act fast….

“Really? That sounds like an important… thing… that you do… at your job…. 2 MORE PLEASE!!!”

Wow okay… thanks for assuming that the second drink was for you. Yup, just snap it up like that. She’s awful greedy for a…. whatever she does for a living. Oh Jesus Christ… did she just say the words “settle down” and “commitment” in the same sentence? For God’s sake she won’t stop yapping. I’m literally just nodding my head and saying, “mhm” and “I agree” every time there’s a pause in the conversation. I wish the guys got a load of this motormouth. This date is practically going well all by itself.

Wow… I’m absolutely astonished. It’s like she actually thinks that I give two shits about her life. She. Really. Won’t. Stop. Talking. It’s fuckin’ uncanny. Uncanny… the only word to truly describe Tim Tebow. Me and him are like brothers. He has the same scripture on his face that I do, except on my ass cheeks. Which reminds me, I hope Jeff didn’t forget to Tivo the Duke game. I don’t know why people think that I’m a bandwagon fan, I’ve always liked them since they started winning more.

Fantastic, I think she had a genuinely good time. She’s wobbly, tugging at my sweet hemp necklace, and talking about how her ex destroyed her life. What’s not to like? She’s clearly over him and contrasting my godly greatness to his miserable pile of failures. I hope she closes out her end of the tab… I’m not paying for her drinks, thats just imposing and downright creepy behavior.

At this point, the alcohol has conditioned her to have reckless impulsive sex, which leads me to believe she’s more than capable of operating a motor vehicle. I hope these condoms aren’t too small, I do tend to grow into them. They should be okay to use even if they’re expired, I mean it’s not like she’s gonna be eating them right? Expiration dates on condoms, honestly what dumbass got paid to come up with that?

Later on… in a cellphone somewhere…

“did u make it home last night with that hunk?”
“!!!!OF CCOURSE i did!&#!**#”

“did it go well?”
“zomg yesssssss!!! he listened to me the ENTIRE night.”

“really? he didn’t seem 2 have it all there…”
“well he insisted on having football on in the background while we….”

“wait… what? why?”
“he says it motivates him. i dunno, i didn’t complain ;)”

“do u realize that u just slept with a creep?”
“i don’t care what you say 😛 I’m so ecstatic right now !!$*^! HE’S PERFECT 😀

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